Fears and Workload

That awkward moment when somebody from my school heard about this blog that wasn’t supposed to be shown to them. This is for the world, for somebody out there who I know is as lost as I am and that we can somehow connect with our emotions and how we feel, this isn’t for someone who thinks that what I write is for psychologically ill persons and that I should be glad because there are kids in Africa who are dying of hunger and stuff (yes, somebody did tell me this and it was the most awkward and horrible moment of my life, so if you have gone through something similar, don’t worry, here I am).
In spite of that, school has been a nightmare. If Freddie Kruger could assault you in your dreams, school could as well, but in your dreams and your daily life. It’s like a never ending spiral of homework, work, pressure, exams, essays, investigations that never touches the bottom. And besides that, I have extra workload with theater, social service and piano classes that are all pulling my strings and squeezing my guts until there is no more energy left.
God, that sounded pretty awful, but in some way it is true, with a little bit of exaggeration. Now I just wish I can be finally in an endless sleep like Juliette with my Romeo by my side, completely ignorant about the weigh of the world on my shoulders.
Worst of all is that I somehow know that Instagram and social networks aren’t doing any good to my life, they are actually damaging it more, but it’s like a drug that you just can’t quit because you are scared that afterwards you’ll be left with nothing. Inside I know that I’ll have much more to give to the world, but fear is holding me back.

First Day of Nightmare (School)

I realized that if I didn’t write soon in my blog, I would probably explode. Right now, I don’t want to care about my bad English or my bad writing or anything that has to include a brain activity. I just want to take it off my bag. Everything. This whole bunch of crazy things that have happened these last few days had to be recorded, written or expressed in some way. And besides, don’t say I’m lazy or anything like that, I’m from Panama and I’m taking the decency to write in English for you non-existent people who read my blog. Or at least I hope you do. I’m only crossing fingers praying to God that NOBODY I know in person reads the blog because... well... that would be really awkward and just weird.
I was thinking on doing a YouTube channel BUT that would be even MORE awkward and they would probably find me easier.
Yesterday I was really cool, considering the last experiences of my first day of school. I remember that in Mexico on my first day of school, I even wanted my mom to come with me to the classroom. Weird? Probably, I don’t know. But for me it sounded totally fine at the time. When it’s like your first first day of school, new school, new people, new classroom, you should have the right to pee in your pants if you want to do so. I mean, why shouldn’t we? I mean we have to manage how to say hi to the other person without feeling too lame or too awkward or too weird, we have to be able to socialize with at least one person so that you don’t spend your lunch hour in the bathroom eating by yourself, you’ve got to impress the teacher so that he doesn’t think you are a dumbass and the most important thing of all: you have to make a good impression because afterwards, there’s no coming back.
Well, I hope that’s not the same for everybody, but at least, that’s what I had to do every single time I went to some place where nobody knew nor cared who I was.
Then it comes the second first day. You have managed to spend ONE year with the bullies, the popular, the idiots, the sluts and the wallflowers like you from your classroom. Then after the summer, you get somehow nervous or at least I always got nervous because when you arrived you expected something like this:

• HUGS, KISSES WELCOMING LIKE A ROCKSTAR
• “OMG, I MISSED YOU SOO MUCH!”
• “IS THAT A NEW HAIRCUT? IT LOOKS GORGEOUS ON YOU!
• “LOVE YOUR BAG!”
• “CAN I STEAL YOUR OUTFIT?”

But of course the only thing that happened was that since nobody remembered your name, you would probably get ignored or be treated like a nerd.

Don’t worry, you are not alone.

I remember very clearly the first week in Mexico. The 15-minutes break was a nightmare for me. I spent this time walking around the whole school going back and forth, counting the seconds that were left to go again to class. Nobody really wanted to be with me and the girls that I used to have lunch with got tired of me and said that I couldn’t be with them because I didn’t belong to the “Club of the Pretty Girls”. Do you know what I say now about that?

Bullshit.

People who bully are just scared from the people that are above them in some way. Bullies bother nerds because they know that “nerds” have the double mental capacity than them. And so on and so forth.

So guys, don’t worry because at the end, we know that the coin will turn. 

L’amour et autres choses

Así que ahora me estaba preguntando si alguien realmente está leyendo estas palabras, pero como no estoy segura, simplemente pretenderé que nadie lo leerá, para que se me facilite la existencia. Luego me preocupo de más y al final estarán leyendo puras palabras censuradas.

Como dije en mi post anterior, decidí escribir algunas veces en inglés y otras veces en español, para facilitarnos mutuamente la existencia. 50/50 (como la película que nunca logré ver). Realmente no sé si en el blog debiera hablar sobre un tema en específico o simplemente usarlo como un canal de desahogo del estrés de la vida diaria. O simplemente para las dos cosas. 

Yo opto por la tercera opción.

Ayer me quedé pensando acerca de los amores. El amor. Qué... cosa tan compleja y al mismo tiempo... maravillosa cuando la logras comprender. O al menos eso es lo que he visto en las 354 películas románticas que me he shoteado. Yo con mis queridos dieciséis años:

• nunca he tenido un novio (ni siquiera esos de mentira que teníamos en maternal)
• nadie se me ha declarado 
• nadie me ha besado
• y no he tenido ningún tipo de acercamiento físico con alguien del sexo opuesto

En resumen: ya ven mi éxito amoroso. Creo que hasta Sheldon Cooper ha tenido más éxito que yo.

Pero por alguna razón las palabras de mis padres siempre retumban mi mente y me dicen “Andrea, porqué te preocupas de eso ahorita, si sólo tienes dieciséis años. Créeme que en el futuro es muy improbable de que te cases con alguien de tu actual círculo social.” Y yo, como siempre, sé que es cierto, sé que la lista mencionada anteriormente es pura estupidez inmadura de una simple adolescente pero, Y QUÉ? ¿Cómo pretenden nuestros padres que no nos sintamos así después de todo lo que nos bombardea la televisión, la radio, las películas, el cine, los anuncios y el internet sobre las relaciones románticas y aparte con nuestras hormonas saltando por todas las partes de nuestro cuerpo, afectando nuestras neuronas y volviéndonos más vulnerables a este tipo de cosas. Les juro que una película puede ser excelente, pero si no tiene una escena de acercamiento o romanticismo, mi ranking no pasa de “Buena”, sorry (hi-five a todas mis girls). 

Al menos un suspiro, una caricia, jamás había creído lo mucho que lo añoraría. Próximamente les contaré más a detalle sobre mis fails amorosos y no amoroso.

Los veré pronto :)

Andrea 

Starting a New Me

To all of you unknown people from Africa, America, Tatooine, The Shire, Krypton, Pandora... this is my new blog. And as I said last: it is MINE. I don’t write this to impress anyone, hurt anyone, to show off something to anyone... No. This is the net where I can be myself, this is the place where I can finally take off the mask I’ve worn for such a long time and just be me. So, If you just were wondering why I’m starting to write this, I’m not really sure myself. I don’t even know if I should write it in spanish (my mother tongue) or english, which is the language that everyone understands. But whatever.   Sometimes I’ll write in spanish and sometimes in english. I don’t know, I’ll debate that with my head later. 

So, before I get started with my first writing of the week, or better said, the first writing of my blog, I’ll tell you something about myself, so that you guys see that I’m no different from anybody else. I’m pretty much mortal like you guys, no lucky super-star, no fortunate winner of Slum-dog Millionaire, no wizard student of Hogwarts, no Jedi... Well, everything started with my cries on the night of the 3th of March of 1997 (sorry about the annoying repetition of the preposition “of”). I lived in Panama for 6 happy years, and then we moved to Mexico City because of a  mysterious asteroid coming from Coruscant that hit the whole city’s surface... no, just kidding. I moved because Panalpina offered my father a new charge in Mexico and my father agreed to take it. With no family or any kind of relationship with anyone, I pretty much felt like an Englishman in New York. New school, new challenges, but I’ll come back to all of those details later (I promise :) ). And after eight years of up and downs, I moved to Switzerland last year. Again, a complete new world to me. And imagine me right in the middle of The Difficult Age, with all this hormones going up and down, saying I was an adult, that I could take care of myself, when it came to parties or trips, but on the other hand always wanting a midnight kiss from my mother. I’m talking about the so-called Adolescence. Yeah, we people aren’t very proud of these specific stage of our lives. But whatever. At the end I finally passed school, I could swear to God that this sincerely WAS a miracle delivered gently by the Holy Spirit. Yeah, this year wasn’t the best for me, not only because school, but also because of a lot of other meaningful experiences and happenings. 

And now I’m writing comfortably in my little apartment in Bronx full of garbage and bad smells with Al Pacino right next to me with a gun in my head demanding 5000 box I owe him <= (This part ain’t true AT all).

So I think for now this is it and I hope you liked this text, share this blog if you like it and of course, thumbs-up wouldn’t hurt anyone :)

See you ‘till next time